It has been six months now since my divorce has been finalized.
I was married at 19, and divorced at 21.
I was the one who left, and to spare feelings, I may not be able to share everything about what really happened. I am just not one to point fingers and throw someone under the bus like that. Nor am I going to pretend that I am free of blame.
One thing I know was wrong (but that I do not necessarily regret) is the manner is which I left. I gave no warning. I did not attend any counseling. I just did not come home one night. I wish I had spared him the worry of me being dead in a ditch somewhere.
I will say this, no matter what has been said otherwise, we both agreed this was the best decision for us. My ex-husband’s only qualm was that he had made a vow and was having a very hard time breaking it. Which I cannot blame him for.
I will not get into the he said, she said, of our relationship. If I had been writing this a few months ago I may have been just bitter enough to. But I do not want to be that person. I am not that person, and proudly so.
What people do not tell you about divorce is how much loss you actually endure. I was not naïve to how heavy this would be. We were only married for a year and a half, but this man was still my partner. He was the one I lived with and shared a bed with and confided in. I knew I would lose him, and had come to terms with that. I knew for both of our sakes, that was what needed to happen.
What I did not really prepare my self for was losing his family. His mom and dad and brother and sister and friends. All these people that I had come to love as my own family and had adopted as my own friends. I was wrong to think that they would still somehow be in my life. I thought that my relationship with them was separate than my relationship with M. I found myself hurt and confused when I was so easily cut out of their life without even a second thought.
That’s what people do not tell you about divorce. Your soon to be ex’s family will not be able to separate. it doesn’t matter who left who. It doesn’t matter how long you were married.
Another thing that is surprising is how easily severed two people can become. You can go from lovers and friends to enemies, in a split decision. I think back now and it seems like that pert of my life was just a stepping stone to where I am now. I am so thankful for that relationship and I owe so much of who I am to it.
For that reason, It will always be special and meaningful and I wish M nothing but absolute happiness in life. I hope he learned a few things as well about relationships.
That was me. 19, about to be married, and knowing with my whole heart that it was most likely not going to work.
But something was telling me to do it. Something inside was driving me. It was not stubbornness, it was being too young to make that decision, I honestly think it was my much needed wake up call. I think it was me falling, finally, flat on my face, only to pick myself up and become myself.
I thank God everyday for that opportunity.
I miss his family still sometimes, and I hope I did not hurt them too much in this. They are wonderful.
And as for M, I hope this was his wake up call as well. I hope he has great things in life.