I woke up yesterday and looked at the calender and noticed it was March 12th.
My divorce-sry. Can that be a word?
One year ago since I sat in front of a judge and changed my marital status from married to divorced.
I remember I was very nervous. More for being in court than anything else.
Once I had made up my mind that my marriage was not going to work, that was that. There was no going back and no second thoughts.
That is just how I am.
I make my decision, and it is made.
I had not seen M since I had left him in January, so I wondered how it would be. At that point we were OK with each other, and had most of the fighting behind us.
But, I wondered how our visit that day would be. Would he be sad? Would he be angry? Would he look different? How was I supposed to act in front of him?
That’s the crazy thing.
Here was someone who I had been with for two and a half years, and had been married to for a year and a half of that time, and I had NO idea how to act around him. It was like we were awkward strangers that just happened to know each other very well.
We filled out our paperwork and tried to find our courtroom. A man asked us “What room are you looking for?” and we relied with our room number and he started fumbling with his words “Oh, you all getting divorced?”
I mean…how strange. how awkward.
He said “You two seem much happier than most people that go in that room” I think M and I had just been laughing about something. “Well, sometimes it just doesn’t work out”
Absolutely right Sir.
We got into the courtroom and the judge entered and when she started asking me questions, I mean I was in full blown panic mode. She asked me the date I got married and and I spit out August 13th……
I FORGOT THE YEAR!!
2010? No 2011? Was it 2011, I look at Marco. I say to the judge, 2011, sorry, I’m nervous.
Glad that’s on record somewhere.
Anyway, so since we had already took it upon ourselves to divide our money and vehicles there was not much else for the judge to do. She eve said to us “You two are probably the most normal, civil, people I have seen all day”
We just laughed and shrugged.
And then it was done.
We walked outside and he helped me carry some things to my car, and then I turned around and he was halfway across the street walking towards his car.
I was expecting I guess a more significant of a goodbye, for this relationship to end on a good note.
Some sort of Oprah moment perhaps.
But I guess things could have gone a lot worse too.
So I was reflecting a lot yesterday, still trying to fathom that an entire year had gone by since this life changing event happened.
I thought a lot about the thoughts that I had processed over the past year.
I lost everyone I had grown to love through the relationship, like most of M’s family and friends. Which hurt, a lot. I think of them all the time and miss that part of it. I of course thought of M. I had not regret of leaving him, and ending our marriage, but I worried about him and how he was doing.
I want good things for him, and always will. He was not a bad mad, just not the right man for me. Nor was I the right woman for him.
I have never thought “Maybe I should have stayed”. or “I wonder what life would have turned out to be if we stayed together”
I think it is kind of sill to think of those What ifs.
I have never felt bad about the decision. I felt that bad that I hurt him the way I did, and I felt bad for any pain that was caused to his family or his friends but the decision was valid and right.
I think I will always remember the day, But maybe not. Maybe it will eventually fade.
I still have all my wedding pictures. I think I will always have them. It was a significant part of my life.
When my kids one day find out that I have been married more than once I am sure they will be curious and I want to be able to say “look we were in love, look we seemed happy, but we knew it was wrong and if you are not 100% then it is not the right time. It is ok to wait. It is ok to say no”
I never thought I would be the one who at the end of my life would be saying I was married more than one time. I always shuddered when I hear the divorce rate, thinking ‘well, that will never be me”
But here I am.
One year later.
And proud of my choices. Both good, and bad.
it is ok to get married when you are 19. It is ok to get married in your 20’s
But don’t do it unless every fiber of your being feels that it’s right.
And if there is even a twinge or a whisper of a little voice in your head saying “this won’t work”
Then take a step back.
Don’t worry how long you have been planning. Don’t worry if you are about to walk down the aisle. Don’t worry about the embarrassment, or the shame.
Take a step back and breathe and really make your decision for the right reasons.
I didn’t, but you can.